1. You must stand near the door and block anyone getting on or off. This applies whether you are on the train or platform. It is especially important if you are on the platform and don’t want to get on the train that is there.
2. Where possible, sit on the aisle seat leaving the window seat empty. Do not stand to let another person past – they must climb over you and you must give them a dirty look when they inevitably sit on you. Also see Rule 3 below.
3. If you can get two seats together, place your handbag/briefcase/shopping etc on the seat next to you. If you have a large case and are sitting in a block of four or six, put your case on the floor in front of you as well as a bag next to you. If you want to sit with a friend, your friend should be opposite you with their bag next to them. If you are on a bus, your bags should go on the seats across the aisle.
4. Under no circumstances give up your seat for an elderly/disabled/pregnant person or someone who becomes ill.
5. You must rush to get first available when one becomes free. Do not let someone who has been standing longer than you have it, even if they fall into one of the categories in Rule 4.
6. Take your young children on public transport only during rush hour and when they are tired and hungry. You must then let them run up and down screaming, to which your response is to scream and shout at them.
7. Pushchairs/prams must be parked near the door. Children should be removed and placed on a seat, next to all your shopping. Give them something noisy to keep them entertained.
8. Private telephone calls should be made at full volume. If you have a travelling companion, these conversations should also be at full volume and of a sensitive nature.
9. If you speak another language, conversations (whether telephone or in person) must be held in this language, again at full volume. Fellow commuters love trying to guess the language and what you are saying!
10. On a cold day, wear as many layers as possible and insist on opening all the windows rather than take your coat/jumper etc off.
11. When the gate at the station is closed and you have to wait, all commuters must spread themselves around the concourse in such a way that no-one wishing to exit or get to another gate can get past.
12. If you come across the situation in Rule 11 above, you may push through to the front of the queue.
13. Umbrellas have rules of their own:
• Gentlemen must have large golfing umbrellas which must be carried horizontally so that the spike catches people’s legs.
• Ladies are allowed smaller umbrellas which can fit into their handbag but these must be put up at the first drop of rain and not put down again until your destination is reached – even if it is not raining.
• Wet umbrellas must be placed on the seat next to you (with your handbag etc as per Rule 3). If no seat is available, use the overhead luggage rack but the umbrella must be above someone else so that they get wet not you.
14. Feeling in need of a nap? If you have forgotten your pillow and don’t fancy leaning against the window, the shoulder of the person next to you can be used. Dribbling and snoring are optional.
15. Gentlemen – impress the ladies by sitting with your legs as wide apart as comfort will allow. After all, those are footballs you have not walnuts!
16. Have a cold or hay fever? Tissues are forbidden – you must spend the entire journey sniffing and snorting into the back of your throat. All offers of a tissue must be refused.
17. When you exit the train/bus etc you must continue to read your messages, newspaper or book and send those important texts and e-mails. Why not finish your crossword or Sudoku while walking along slower than a snail too? Other people will move out of your way.
18. Ladies – have ten minutes extra in bed and do your make up on your journey. Elbows must be stuck out when applying mascara.
19. When painting your nails on your way to work, under no circumstances must you open a window for ventilation. Your fellow commuters will enjoy getting high on the fumes!
20. Nails a little too long? Don’t file them down – use clippers and let the pieces fly into your neighbour’s coffee. It’s extra protein, right?
21. Listening to some tunes or catching up on last night’s TV? The volume must be turned up to max so that everyone else can hear too – we love tinney bass coming out of headphones!
22. Train or bus already full? Take a running jump and force your way into that two inch gap. Playing sardines is fun, yes?
23. Even if there are seats available on the upper deck of the bus you must not go up there – even if the driver asks nicely. As a concession, you may stand on the lower stair to prevent anyone going up or down.
24. Approaching your stop on the bus? Make sure you ring the bell several times.
25. Under no circumstances should you thank the driver or platform staff for assisting you. If you forget, your thanks must be delivered with a hint of sarcasm.
26. Travelling with your partner? You must display over the top affection. Anyone for tonsil tennis at 8.00 am?
27. Hungry? Eat the smelliest food you can. Make sure you leave the empty packaging on the seat or floor – especially the ketchup packet.
28. When using the escalator, stand on the left and do not let anyone pass. When you reach the end, step off and stand looking about aimlessly for at least 30 seconds. We love a good escalator pile up.
29. If people are breaking Rule 28, you may walk past them but you must bump into them and knock their shopping. Broken biscuits taste great!
30. Don’t buy your own paper or bring your own book or e-reader. You must read over the shoulder of the person sitting next to you or in front of you if you are standing. You must not be shocked if they are sending a rather naughty e-mail to their significant other!
More rules will be added over time. If you are aware of a situation that needs a rule, please comment or tweet me @MoaningMinx.
