Rules 6 and 7 - children and pushchairs

It is very rare for these rules to be broken in my opinion.  I don't have children of my own but have taken my niece and nephews out on day trips so do have some experience.

On Monday night on my way home from work I had the best example of these rules being kept - hats off to the lady in question for managing to keep both of them at the same time.  She tried to keep to rule 6 (rushing to get the first available seat) but I wasn't going to be beaten on that one!

I'm not sure whether she had two or three children with her but they were very whingy children.  I got on the train and took my seat and could hear them shouting behind me as the were running up and down the carriage shouting goodbye to whoever they had left on the platform.  One of the children then sat next to me and starting shouting that she wanted chocolate (don't we all?).  I'm going to make an assumption here that the woman with them was their mum - of course, she may not have been.  All she did when she eventually acknowledged the demands for chocolate was to say very loudly that they couldn't have any.

The child sitting next to me then decided to move seats, several times, and ended up sitting behind me.  Queue constantly getting kicked in the back.  I was just on the point of losing my temper and saying something when we reached my stop so I avoided an argument, although as the mum was sitting opposite (a) she could see what was happening and (b) must have heard my mutters of frustration.

As I got to the doors of the train, I noticed that the pushchair was blocking one side and that right next to it was a large bag, also belonging to this family.  Now this may not have been a problem as the station that I get off has several platforms and which one you come in on dictates which side the doors open.  But yes, you've guessed it, we came in on the side that the pram was blocking.  So well done to this lady for keeping the rule for blocking the doors - myself and the gentleman getting off behind me didn't quite manage to break our necks!

On Tuesday there was another pram blocking the aisle of my train - completely blocking off at least half a dozen seats.  This couple also managed to keep rule 26 (over the top affection) by having a smooch as they blocked the doors before getting off.  So a big congratulations to them too.

Rule 8 - telephone calls

With the festive season in full swing, there have been lots of examples of Rule 8. These have mainly been drunken conversations following Christmas parties and lunches and have been very entertaining as we've heard all about what outfits they're going to wear, how much they've had to drink, who snogged (or worse) who. As well as the normal, boring business conversations. 

On Monday I overheard what could have been a very interesting conversation as a gentleman behind me on the bus appeared to be having an argument with someone. He was claiming that the person on the other end was being rude and it was no way to treat a fellow musician. Unfortunately it was someone a little the worse for drink having a conversation with an imaginary person. 

A friend posted this photo on Facebook yesterday and I think it really sums up this rule. It is from the letters page of the Telegraph and I may just have to try it. Although I will be using the Metro as I'm not sophisticated enough for the Telegraph!

Weekly update - 10 December 2014

It's been a week where I've observed lots of people keeping the rules and hardly anyone breaking them. 

Last Wednesday I was carrying a heavy bag which had three rolls of wrapping paper sticking out of the end. As I was walking through Bank station on my way to work a man came towards me so engrossed in his Blackberry that he didn't see me. Now I'm quite stubborn so I refused to move out of his way. Had he not looked up at the last second, well let's just say he would have been walking funny for a little while! But good on him for keeping to the rules. 

On Thursday a follower on Twitter sent me a photo of someone keeping Rule 3 in a slightly different way. The lady in question had her bag on the bus seat next to her. There was just enough room for someone to sit down next to the bag but she drefused to move it to aid comfort. Well done!

On Sunday I took my niece and nephews to London for the day. I was so proud of my 10 year old nephew for rushing to get a free seat, although he did let me down by then giving it up for an elderly, disabled person. But it was his nan so can't complain too much about that. His 6 year old sister on the other hand stuck to her guns and refused to move!

Monday morning I witnessed the best example yet of seat blocking. Getting on the DLR at Woolwich Arsenal I noticed a couple with a pushchair. But they went one better than blocking the door - they put the pushchair in between the seats thereby taking two seats out of action. I'm not sure if they moved or not as I rushed down the carriage to get another empty seat!

And finally, on my way home last night I had three people come through the barriers and stop right by the gates, blocking anyone wanting to get to the escalators. Well done - keeping the rules made some of us miss the train. 

Rule 1: Blocking the doors

Last night I saw the best example yet of this rule being kept. 

While waiting on the platform at Bank for my DLR train (only partially keeping this rule, as was everyone else by this point as a lot had already got on the train) a young couple came hurrying along to get the train at the platform. There not being a lot of room, they were very near the platform edge to try and get to the doors. The man somehow slipped and fell against the side of the train and one foot actually came off the platform. 

Had the train not been there he would have been in the track. Luckily all that was hurt was his pride. 

So keep blocking the access guys - next time it might be a fatality. 

Rule 3: Bags on seats

This is a perfect example of Rule 3 being kept. 

Last Sunday I had to get a bus to visit my mum - hubby was at golf so I didn't have the car. It's no problem - the bus stops more or less outside her house. This particular bus is never that busy as it's not a frequent service. I got on, paid my fare and went to take a seat. There were perhaps half a dozen other passengers. However, I noticed that two seats adjacent to each other were taken up by bags of shopping. It wasn't clear who they belonged to: I assumed the gentleman sitting in the seat behind. The seats were clearly signed as being priority seats for disabled/elderly/pregnant people, so could also be said to be keeping the rule about not giving up your seat too!

Anyway. I sat down, took a sneaky photo and started reading my Kindle - there being no-one else reading anything that I could look at over their shoulder. After a few stops it was obvious that the bags belonged to the two elderly ladies sitting in front of me. 

Hats off to these wonderful ladies for keeping the rules!

The Rules

1. You must stand near the door and block anyone getting on or off. This applies whether you are on the train or platform. It is especially important if you are on the platform and don’t want to get on the train that is there. 

2. Where possible, sit on the aisle seat leaving the window seat empty. Do not stand to let another person past – they must climb over you and you must give them a dirty look when they inevitably sit on you. Also see Rule 3 below. 

3. If you can get two seats together, place your handbag/briefcase/shopping etc on the seat next to you. If you have a large case and are sitting in a block of four or six, put your case on the floor in front of you as well as a bag next to you. If you want to sit with a friend, your friend should be opposite you with their bag next to them. If you are on a bus, your bags should go on the seats across the aisle. 

4. Under no circumstances give up your seat for an elderly/disabled/pregnant person or someone who becomes ill. 

5. You must rush to get first available when one becomes free. Do not let someone who has been standing longer than you have it, even if they fall into one of the categories in Rule 4. 

6. Take your young children on public transport only during rush hour and when they are tired and hungry. You must then let them run up and down screaming, to which your response is to scream and shout at them. 

7. Pushchairs/prams must be parked near the door. Children should be removed and placed on a seat, next to all your shopping. Give them something noisy to keep them entertained. 

8. Private telephone calls should be made at full volume. If you have a travelling companion, these conversations should also be at full volume and of a sensitive nature. 

9. If you speak another language, conversations (whether telephone or in person) must be held in this language, again at full volume. Fellow commuters love trying to guess the language and what you are saying! 

10. On a cold day, wear as many layers as possible and insist on opening all the windows rather than take your coat/jumper etc off. 

11. When the gate at the station is closed and you have to wait, all commuters must spread themselves around the concourse in such a way that no-one wishing to exit or get to another gate can get past. 

12. If you come across the situation in Rule 11 above, you may push through to the front of the queue. 

13. Umbrellas have rules of their own:

 • Gentlemen must have large golfing umbrellas which must be carried horizontally so that the spike catches people’s legs. 

• Ladies are allowed smaller umbrellas which can fit into their handbag but these must be put up at the first drop of rain and not put down again until your destination is reached – even if it is not raining. 

• Wet umbrellas must be placed on the seat next to you (with your handbag etc as per Rule 3). If no seat is available, use the overhead luggage rack but the umbrella must be above someone else so that they get wet not you. 

14. Feeling in need of a nap? If you have forgotten your pillow and don’t fancy leaning against the window, the shoulder of the person next to you can be used. Dribbling and snoring are optional. 

15. Gentlemen – impress the ladies by sitting with your legs as wide apart as comfort will allow. After all, those are footballs you have not walnuts! 

16. Have a cold or hay fever? Tissues are forbidden – you must spend the entire journey sniffing and snorting into the back of your throat. All offers of a tissue must be refused. 

17. When you exit the train/bus etc you must continue to read your messages, newspaper or book and send those important texts and e-mails. Why not finish your crossword or Sudoku while walking along slower than a snail too? Other people will move out of your way. 

18. Ladies – have ten minutes extra in bed and do your make up on your journey. Elbows must be stuck out when applying mascara. 

19. When painting your nails on your way to work, under no circumstances must you open a window for ventilation. Your fellow commuters will enjoy getting high on the fumes! 

20. Nails a little too long? Don’t file them down – use clippers and let the pieces fly into your neighbour’s coffee. It’s extra protein, right? 

21. Listening to some tunes or catching up on last night’s TV? The volume must be turned up to max so that everyone else can hear too – we love tinney bass coming out of headphones! 

22. Train or bus already full? Take a running jump and force your way into that two inch gap. Playing sardines is fun, yes? 

23. Even if there are seats available on the upper deck of the bus you must not go up there – even if the driver asks nicely. As a concession, you may stand on the lower stair to prevent anyone going up or down. 

24. Approaching your stop on the bus? Make sure you ring the bell several times.

 25. Under no circumstances should you thank the driver or platform staff for assisting you. If you forget, your thanks must be delivered with a hint of sarcasm. 

26. Travelling with your partner? You must display over the top affection. Anyone for tonsil tennis at 8.00 am? 

27. Hungry? Eat the smelliest food you can. Make sure you leave the empty packaging on the seat or floor – especially the ketchup packet. 

28. When using the escalator, stand on the left and do not let anyone pass. When you reach the end, step off and stand looking about aimlessly for at least 30 seconds. We love a good escalator pile up. 

29. If people are breaking Rule 28, you may walk past them but you must bump into them and knock their shopping. Broken biscuits taste great! 

30. Don’t buy your own paper or bring your own book or e-reader. You must read over the shoulder of the person sitting next to you or in front of you if you are standing. You must not be shocked if they are sending a rather naughty e-mail to their significant other! 

More rules will be added over time. If you are aware of a situation that needs a rule, please comment or tweet me @MoaningMinx.

Welcome

So a few days ago I was coming home from work and encountered some difficulties on my commute (quite apart from those that are created by Southeastern - but we won't go into that here!). It got me thinking that we could do with some rules for commuting as a lot of people seem confused on the do's and don'ts.

I will post a list of rules based on what friends and colleagues have told me are the things that annoy them about their commutes. Each week I will then give examples of where I have seen these rules kept and maybe the odd example of them being broken.

The important thing to note is this:

If you keep the rules - you will enjoy the undying wrath of your fellow commuters.

If you break them, you will have to put up with smiles and maybe the occasional pleasant comment.